Since Ben never ponied up on losing the last draft, we decided to abandon guest drafters for the time being. Thanks for ruining everyone's fun Ben. This time around it looks like the punishment for losing may be to see Street Fighter or the Jonas Brothers movie. Either way I'm glad I'm not in this draft. Without further ado, the results of the draft.
I pick FOX.
I know what you're thinking. "But Wheezy. FOX canceled your most beloved show of all time, "Arrested Development". How can you possible choose those evil hate mongers?"
Yeah, I know. They also canceled "Firefly" before its prime. Not to mention the aberration to comedy that was MadTV and the deluge of reality tv and American Idol reruns (Oh wait, those are new episodes?). And although they aren't currently my most watched channel (I guess that would be NBC at the moment), they brought to me my most enjoyed show all time.
Whether America screwed it up or Fox did, Arrested Development is the greatest show ever made, and FOX gave it a shot. So I have to go with FOX. And before you say "Jeez Wheez, basing your pick for a network on one show seems kinda small minded." - Let me remind you of a few other FOX gems.
- The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
- In Living Color
- The Critic
- Family Guy (Seasons 1-3)
Oh, and lets not forget - 24 and The Simpsons.
FOX has the guts to try out new things and push the boundaries. And although they can at times be quick to cancel something before it hits its stride, at least they're trying. Better to have loved and lost than to have to watch "According to Jim."
For my first pick of the 1st round, I'm taking NBC.
30 Rock, The Office, Friday Night Lights, SNL, Heroes (which I hear is good again), some people even like Law & Order (all 8 flavors), and Sunday Night Football which is a godsend on Sunday nights. I also like Conan. Deal or No Deal can be a pretty sweet DVR'd drinking game. I probably spend more time with NBC than any other major network, and for good reason.
Plus, don't forget that NBC is behind Hulu which may be one of the greatest gifts to the intermist (besides porn). All-in-all, NBC is the most complete channel both on TV and on the webernets right now. Plus, this happened there:
For my first pick I choose USA. Not only can I catch it on hulu, but I can watch it from 6am-5am except when the wrestling stuff comes one (5-6am is paid programming). 7 days a week. A little Chuck Norris in the morning, some Law and Order reruns, throw in some House, an afternoon movie (or two on the weekends), round it out with the original programming (Monk, Burn Notice, In Plain Sight, Psych) during primetime. I can DVR, hulu, or netflix any regular programming I want to watch, but USA is my go-to station for when I just want to sit down and watch TV unplanned to veg out or while I'm doing something more productive.
My pick for the first round has to be Comedy Central. I really don't know how I could have made it through the past 8 years without Jon Stewart. I think Stewart and Colbert are enough reason in themselves to warrant the pick, but they also have South Park, Reno 911 and had the Chappelle Show and Mystery Science Theater 3000. I don't know about LB but I tend to find myself watching whatever crappy comedy movie that they have playing more than anything else. Plus the absence of censorship on the Secret Stash is very refreshing.
For the first pick of the second round I'm going with ABC. I know that they don't have a great system for watching their shows online, but I have to make the pick anyway. My main reason is LOST, which is one of the best shows on the air, and for picking up Scrubs. But you can't forget about the shows that have come and gone. Can't forget all of TGIF, Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, Spin City, Bewitched (which mostly I watched on Nick at Nite, but originally aired on ABC), Doogie Howser MD, Alias, Batman, MacGyver. I could go on and on.
I feel like trying to make this pick was like asking which bear is best. I have a feeling that all the runnerups for this pick will get picked by someone. Rounding out my selection I choose HBO for pretty much the opposite reason as I picked USA. This is not a station taht I usually just flip on to watch (in fact I don't even get the channel). This is instead a network that produces some phenomenal original programming that I order on Netflix and devour an entire season in a weekend. Do I really have to list them? The Wire, Sopranos, Rome, True Blood, Big Love, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, Da Ali G Show, Flight of the Conchords and probably more. Video Evidence.
For my second pick, I'll take ESPN. I'll be honest, if there is nothing on TV, I will usually switch to ESPN. Whether its a decent NBA game, Monday Night Football, a crappy college bowl game, some crazy bowling, or SportsCenter, ESPN is the place to go if you want sports and TV. And I, along with a lot of other people, love sports.
For my next pick in the TV Network Draft, I'm going with Showtime.
Let's face it. Showtime is the less pompous, at many times better version of HBO. HBO does have great programming, to be sure. But for some reason I feel like the HBO execs don't even consider Showtime a serious competitor - like their more on the level of HBO's lesser sibling Cinemax. But Showtime is coming up big. They've got some really great original programming like Weeds, Dexter, and Californication currently in production, and they've had successes in the past. However their still not too full of themselves to make stuff like "Debbie Does Dallas... Again." (not exactly what you're thinking, but pretty close.)
Not only that - as I understand it Showtime was the one channel to offer Arrested Development a deal when FOX was dumping them. And for that, I give them my eternal gratitude.
And finally, I pick The Food Network.
Let's face it, who doesn't like watching people cook food. And not only that, it's educational! I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I'm a big fan of Rachel Ray.... 's recipes. Their easy to cook, relatively cheap, and delicious. And that's only one of the myriad of shows that help poor schmucks like me get past Lipton Noodles and canned tuna.
If you find yourself eating a lot of the same stuff, you can quickly and easily become an impressive chef by watching a little Food Network. Ask any of my old Austin Roommates.
This last pick is the hardest pick. But I've decided to go with VH1.
I'm going to be honest, there is not a lot of TV on VH1 that anyone should be proud of watch. Flavor of Love(click that link and watch that compelling TV, seriously) Rock of Love, I Love Money, Charm School, Tool Academy... the list goes on and on. But here's the thing. If there is nothing on TV, I guarantee you that you could switch to VH1 and burn 4-8 hours watching a marathon of any of those shows. They are so full of train wrecks that it is literally impossible to change the channel. Impossible. And unlike the idiots on The Hills/Laguna Beach/Real World, these people know they are derkas and are there purely for the money - which makes the shows even better to watch. Side note: VH1 is also the only music channel that still plays music videos occasionally which is pretty good
In a very similar vein to DoubleM, I choose Bravo for their reality tv. As much as VH1 provides some valuable entertainment moments, Bravo provides reality TV that I can talk about in public: Top Chef and Project Runway. I also give props to Bravo for being one if the first networks to have a reality show featuring homosexuals (Queer Eye and now Work Out) and I think Queer Eye for the Straight Guy started the whole makeover genre that is now all over TLC. I also have to concede that whoever sets up programming had to have some crazy ideas that allowed them to think that giving Paula Abdul a show was a good idea, or maybe even genius.
I had trouble with my last pick. Initially I was going to go with the SciFi network but I was going with that only because of Battlestar Galactica. Next to Lost it is the best show on TV, and I think has given a lot of good press to the channel. But thinking about it more I do seem to remember seeing some wrestler fight a poorly animated hydra and decided that one show that is about to end is not a reason to pick SciFi no matter how good the show is. So I am going with Discovery Channel.
The Discovery Channel has always had a lot of shows that I enjoyed. It was the precursor to the History channel and the Military channel and always seems to have good stuff on it. Currently I'm obsessed with Man vs Wild (since Les Stroud is a whiny bitch), and Mythbusters is good as well. You can't beat Mike Row in Dirty Jobs. Planet Earth. There is nearly always something good to watch on it.
So go vote? Whose house would you want to go to if every tv could only get three channels?