Double M's Life Rules: The Hiatus

Posted by Double M




It is Christmas week and I'm going to be busy doing all kinds of random things. Then, I'm traveling on and off for a few weeks, so I'm going to take a hiatus from posting for the next two weeks.

I know this is heart breaking, but let's be honest - you have a lot going on right now and might miss a few posts even if I was posting anyway.

The good news: I'm not going to stop posting. I still have too much advice to share to @braylonson. In fact, the two weeks of downtime will give me time to queue up a bunch of life rules posts so we don't have a bunch of typos like we did in the last post (which was written from my iPad by the way).

Double M's life rule posts will resume with life rule #9 on January 3rd Get excited.

Get excited and have a merry Christmas and an awesome New Year's celebration.

Double M's Life Rules #8: Never Cause a Bottleneck on the Interstate

Posted by Double M




If you drive in the fast lane on the interstate, you must drive at least five (5) miles per hour over the speed limit or the speed of the car behind you, whichever is faster.

I once wrote a post about interstate driving, but there are a few rules within that post that are important enough to merit their own post.

Here's the gist of it, if you are driving in the fast lane on the interstate, you must speed. The fast lane is actually built for passing slower cars, even if the "slow" cars are going the speed limit or slightly over. The fast lane is a very important part of maintaining traffic flow as it allows the more efficient drivers to leave the slower, plodding drivers moving at the pace they feel comfortable.

In situations where people don't speed in the fast lane (like construction zones where there is only one lane or times where people are just being derkas), you'll notice that the slow driver is almost always the bottleneck. If there is a bottleneck in the fast lane, all hell can break loose. Faster moving cars and semis get impatient and start swerving back and forth between lanes looking for an advantage or riding the ass of the car in front of them, both of which can lead to accidents which can cause real bottlenecks.

So, for starters, if you are going to get into the fast lane, you need to be willing to drive at least five mph over the posted speed limit. Even if no one is around you. As long as you follow this rule you will not mess up traffic flow, in general.

I'll allow you an exception if you are only driving a couple miles over the speed limit and if you are the only person in the fast lane and you are passing someone a slower driver in the right lane. This brings me to my second point: if you are in the fast lane, you need to drive as fast as the car behind you. You should never cause the bottleneck and this means that if there is someone else in the fast lane, you need to either go as fast as they are going or get out of their way, pronto.

There is nothing more annoying than driving seven over in the fast lane and then suddenly having to slow down to the speed limit because some jackass decided they wanted to pass an ultra-slow car but didn't pay attention to other traffic on the road. I know it sucks to be in the slow lane behind someone going five under, but if you aren't willing to go over the speed limit then you are going to make it equally suck for the person that is having to slow down for you.

If you are going to get into the fast lane, look into the fast lane (not just in your immediate vicinity) and see if someone in the fast lane is going to catch up to you while you're passing. If that is the case, wait or speed up so they don't have to slow down.

Double M's Life Rules #7: Don't Get Duped by Black Pants

Posted by Double M



Black pants can make even a mediocre butt look amazing, but remember what it looked like in other pants.

This is my first life rule that I discovered completely on my own and I remember the moment so vividly that it is burned into my memory. In high school, I was sitting in math class and, in standard high school fashion, I was paying attention to the girls in my class instead of whatever else was happening.

One girl looked particularly amazing that day and I didn't understand how I could have missed it in the past. I started checking through things that would be different from normal: Hair? No. Sweater? No. Shoes: No. Pants? Bingo.

I'm not sure why it clicked in math class, but suddenly examples were everywhere. One day average and the next day amazing with the only difference being black pants.

Here's the thing - never fault anyone for making themselves look better. In fact, if someone is smart enough to wear clothing that makes them look awesome, you should probably applaud them. If you are supposed to dress to impress then they are accomplishing their job.

Just remember: while black pants can make a butt look awesome, more often than not that butt will not be in black pants, and that other time matters too. Don't let them skew your judgement.

Double M's Life Rules #6: Privatize Your Digital Life

Posted by Double M



You can have dumb things on the internet, just make sure you control who sees them

I meet people in passing all the time and it always baffles me when they add me on Facebook. I'm not your friend, but you clearly want to be forever linked because we stood next to each other for 20 minutes at a bar. It is enjoyable for me though, because the very first thing I do after seeing your friend request is check out your profile and all of your pics. Why? Because I love looking at train wrecks.

In the last few months here are a few things I have seen:

• People puking on themselves in a photo album
• Obscene numbers of drunk photos
• Really, really dumb/racist things said in in updates
• Being a fan of or in dumb groups like "F*** this stupid derka from a bad vampire movie!!!"
• Anything ultra embarrassing like poor music or TV choices (Nickelback, Lifetime, etc.)

Disgraceful. If I write for a blog called "Immediate Regret," just think what potential employers or the friends of the girl you just started dating must think when they see that. You can avoid me seeing these things by following one simple rule: don't let the public see them. Look, we all may have done some dumb things in college (or are still doing them), and there are probably pictures of it somewhere. I'm not telling you not to have a good time, I'm just making sure that good time doesn't come back to bite you.

It is pretty simple to privatize your life. Just follow these steps:

1. Set everything on your account only available to friends. Not friends of friends or my network(s), just friends. If you are set to public, go do this right now and then come back.
2. Create a group of friends that you actually trust (you don't really trust all 600 of your Facebook friends, do you?) and then adjust your privacy settings so they are the only ones that can see your photos or other personal stuff. Love to say dumb things in your status? Protect that too.
3. Cut a whole shit ton of people from your friends list (see rule #3)
4. If you use Twitter, protect your Twitter account and remove any followers you don't know.

If you trust who sees your stuff, then you'll probably be ok. Just make sure that you really trust them.

Double M's Life Rules #5: Rules for Tobacco

Posted by Double M



Cigarettes and chewing are gross but cigars can be awesome in the correct setting.

Here's something you should know pretty well by now: smoking and chewing will eventually lead to cancer. You shouldn't do it because you don't want to die.

One time in your life you'll end up kissing a girl whose mouth literally tastes like ass. You'll wonder what the hell died in her mouth until you see the pack of Virginia slims in her purse and realize that she's just growing death inside of her mouth/body each time she smokes. At this point, unless you want puke in your mouth every time you kiss this girl, you should get the F out.

I'm not going to even discuss chewing. Smoking cigarettes is very white trash and chewing might be worse. If the thought of putting glass and death in your mouth isn't enough to convince you not to chew, just check out these images.

So what is the difference between cigarettes and cigars? Both of them can cause cancer. Both of them leave your clothes smelling like ass the next day. Both of them will have you wake up feeling like you swished shit if you don't brush your teeth before you go to bed (side note: always brush your teeth and use mouthwash after having a cigar).

I think the difference is in the use and perception. Cigarettes provide you a quick, cheap, and dirty way to get your tobacco (and other chemical) fix. Cigars are all about celebration and class. Go watch hip-hop music videos - when rappers want to show off, they have cigars not cigarettes.

Here's the real deal: look at people smoking. How many of them look happy that they are smoking? Not many. Now look at people smoking cigars - you'll be hard pressed to find people that aren't happy to be smoking. Celebration versus need.

So when are cigars acceptable? I don't have any hard and fast rules, but if you limit them to celebrations then you'll be ok.

Double M's Life Rules #4: Spend Money on Jeans

Posted by Double M



If you have to pick one item of clothing on which to spend money, make it jeans.


You can go shopping and spend outrageous amounts of money on all kinds of lavish clothing. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do this.

But, there is one items that you definitely need to spend money on: jeans. Jeans are easily the most versatile piece of clothing you'll own and the difference between the fit and look of nice jeans as compared to cheap jeans is astounding (the same cannot be said for most shirts or kicks).

Want to boil it down to numbers? Good jeans can jump your "rating" 1-2 points. Bad jeans can drop your rating by that much. That means you can rock a 5 point swing in your look simply by dumping your bad jeans and getting some great jeans.

I'm not necessarily the person you should ask about which jeans you should buy (and Lord know that styles will change year-to-year), but I can tell you good jeans are worth your money and something you should spend time finding.

Pro tip: If you aren't sure which jeans to get, do yourself a favor and find someone that can help you pick them out.

Double M's Life Rules #3: Cut Down Your Facebook Friends List

Posted by Double M




Are you really "friends" with 700 people? No. Besides you don't want them all to have access to anything public about you on Facebook.

There's been a ton of chatter about this lately, but I'm going to give my take on it anyway.

Go log into Facebook. Then click Profile >> Edit Friends (it is in the top-right corner). Then start scrolling through your friends and ask yourself these questions:

• Do I gain any personal, comedic, or business value by being friends with this person on Facebook?
• Do I have to be friends with this person on Facebook? (for whatever reason - you know what I mean)

If you answered yes to either of those questions, move onto the next friend. Otherwise, ask yourself these questions:

• Did I know this person was married?
• Did I know this person has kids?
• If I was visiting a city this person lived in, would I call them?
• Do I care what is happening in this person's life?

If you said "no" to any of those questions about someone then you should probably de-friend them.

If you're still on the fence about them, ask yourself this one last question: do I want this person to be able to see everything (or anything) about me?

"No?"

Off the friends list.

If you're still not sure you agree with me, check out articles by people smarter than me here and here.

Double M's Life Rules #2: Never Trust a Man with a Blue Shirt and a White Collar

Posted by Double M




There is a difference between dressing to impress and overdressing to outclass other people.

As a man, when you are invited to a wedding there is only one acceptable time to wear a tuxedo: if you are in the wedding party and asked to wear a tux. Otherwise, you wear a suit. You don't want to upstage the wedding party and you don't want to outclass everyone else at the wedding.

What does this have to do with blue shirts with white collars? Every person that buys a shirt like this says to themselves "A lot of people are going to be wearing blue shirts. You know what would really class it up and let me stand out over everyone else? A white collar on my blue shirt."

Well those people succeed in standing out, but only because everyone else thinks they are douche bags. Look at this guy to the left - don't you want to punch him? The answer is yes and the douche-y blue shirt/white collar combo is a big part of the urge to hit your computer screen right now.

A person with a blue shirt/white collar is a one-upper and they are more than likely willing to throw you under the bus to improve their own standing. Definitely not the kind of person you can trust.

So, remember this: don't buy a blue shirt with a white collar and don't ever trust anyone wearing one.

Double M's Life Advice #1: Rock a Small Circle

Posted by Double M




How many people can you really trust to never screw you? Probably a small number. Remember that. Keep those people close and everyone else at arm's length.

This is a really long one, but stick with me because it is important.

You should have three groups of people in your life:

1. Acquaintances
2. Friends
3. Inner circle

You acquaintances are people you know but wouldn't really ever trust to help you out. You know these people but wouldn't rely on them for anything outside of basic hospitality.

Your friends are people you probably have in your cell phone, enjoy hanging out with, and can count on to help you out depending on the situation. Of course, within your friends there is a range from poor to amazing. Poor friends are people you can't really rely on, fall out of touch with when you don't live or work together, but are great when you're hanging out with them. Amazing friends are people that either keep in touch with you when you are apart or the type of people that you see for the first time in eight months and have no problem picking up where you left off. You can count on amazing friends to help you out nearly anytime you ask and you might even have them in your wedding.

While the difference between friends and acquaintances may seem pretty obvious, I use this test: If I'm visiting your town or I live in your town and I'm having a party, am I going to call you? If yes, you're probably a friend. If not, you're probably an acquaintance.

The inner circle is a very small group of friends that you trust completely. They are the kinds of people that won't talk shit about you when you aren't there (trust me, even your amazing friends do this), will come find you when you're passed out in a parking garage or have driven into a ditch, take care of your family when you're gone, and jump on a few grenades for you. You can tell your inner circle any of your secrets and not worry that they'll get leaked. Your inner circle is essentially family - they are willing to put you ahead of themselves (and you'd do the same for them).

So how do you tell the difference between friends and your inner circle? Ask yourself this question: If you have a really bad, life-altering secret that will get leaked unless you tell a few of your friends and they keep it secret, who would you tell? This test should yield some fairly obvious results.

So why is rocking a small circle important? Because everyone outside of your inner circle, even your amazing friends, will probably hang you out to dry (perhaps unintentionally) at some point. The good news is that the further they are outside of your inner circle, the less damage they can do. The bad news is that if you trust the wrong people, they can really damage you. Tell a poor friend one of your "secrets" and suddenly you're in trouble with your girlfriend/wife/boss/friends.

Keep your inner circle tight and you'll know exactly who you can trust and how much you can trust them. Over time people will change levels (this is natural), but it is very important to know who you can trust and who doesn't have your best interests in mind. Don't put yourself in a position to get screwed and you won't get screwed.